2019 Was Garbage

My therapist once put everything into perspective in terms of bandwidth, sometimes you’ve got enough and sometimes you don’t. This year I did not.

It was March 8th at 11:43 in the morning and I was training a client when my brother Jeff called to tell me mom was in the hospital. I left immediately. When I walked into the hospital room my mom said, “You didn’t need to come down here, I’m fine.” She had taken the green barf bag and opened it all the way (it looked like a condom made for a horse) and placed it sitting on her lap. With a big grin she looked at me and said “Do you like my schlong?” This was my mother, she was glorious. The doctor convinced my mom to let them run tests. The results came back. My mom was diagnosed with NeuroEndocrine Cancer.  She had tumors on her brain, in her liver, her right lung, and on just about every bone in her body. They told us to take her home and set up hospice. My mom passed away on October 12th. I am still trying to figure out how to exist in the world without her here. I honestly did not know this kind of feeling existed, it’s a pain that I can’t even begin to describe.  

I was on a trail run on July 17th and I fell, it was the second fall in ten days. I knew when I hit the ground that I was in trouble. A few X-Rays, MRI’s, Prolozone injections, many trips to the doctor, a surgeon, one orthopedic massage specialist, two physical therapists, and finally a cortisone injection later, I still can’t move my fucking arm. Thanks to the cortisone injection I am, for the most part, out of pain. I have Adhesive Capsulitis aka Frozen Shoulder. The current PT hopes to get some ROM back in 6-18 months. If that doesn’t work I will need to get surgery. Frozen Shoulder is arguably one of the most physically painful things I’ve had to endure and to give you an idea of things I have endured in the past you can refer to my last post about having my asshole cut on, this is worse than that. Way worse.

Exercise has always been my coping mechanism especially when dealing with difficult emotions. This is why I dedicated my life to teaching other people how to exercise. The amazing woman who brought me into this world is no longer here and no amount of trail runs or workouts are going to make me feel any less lost or sad. Up until this year I have never dealt with anything that has knocked me down and kicked the shit out of me, not like this. Now I understand the true toll of despair and how things that used to feel natural and easy become nearly impossible. The devastating loss of my mom coupled with the excruciating pain happening in my right arm and shoulder topped off with months of no sleep turned me into someone I’ve never seen before.  I wish I had some magical words of wisdom and inspiration for dealing with things in life that break you. I’ve had to let go of my expectations and preconceived notions of how I should deal with things and just do my best. Some days, as my mom would say, “It’s just the shits.”     

Amanda

I am here to make you think, move, laugh, and learn.

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